And Sane.

I spent the afternoon with my friend Mukesh at the jewellery shop, and I feel.. sane. We sat there, over the same harsh cigarettes and sweet tea that will always exist in our world and his office, and chatted for hours. The shop filled and emptied and the sun went down and I think my brain changed shape a little, or maybe just perspective, or maybe just colors, like they do in the movies when they put those awful blue filters on everything or the warm gritty yellow ones. He has this amazing way of grounding me, of making me actually sit there and talk and be honest and look him in the eye instead of that awful half talk that we give everyone, where we’re actually thinking about grocery lists and our minds are millions of miles away in the Safeway ethic food aisle and we never actually listen.. Do we? And I can’t even look at jewellery, I curl up in his chairs that never look like they’ll be comfortable but seem to be made for you and take off my shoes and put my tea cup on my feet to keep them warm, even though the cigarette smoke makes my face hot it never seems to warm up any other part of me. And he makes you tell the truth if you want his advice or his stories (which are wild and smart and terribly useful) and it’s awful and silly and painful to do what we should always do. And something about the cigarette smoke and tea and boxes of gold and silver and jewels insulates me from everything else for a couple hours, until I feel like I’m wiser and stronger and taller and….sane.