An Open Letter

To Whom It May Concern -

I realise that you (yes you, 60 year old man with booby tattoos and ear hair and a swagger that I believe is brought on by the fact you are not wearing your orthopedics) believe that by going to the gym that you're being infinately healthier than the rest of the world, and yes, you may. But by virtue of the fact that your sweaty old man balls are rubbing all over the equipment that you REFUSE to disinfect when you're done, you are making ME sick.

I fully understand that perhaps in your heyday that germs were still "germs" and that if you couldn't "see" them, then they didn't "exist". Well, let me reassure you by the strong gagging reflex that I get when I see you adjusting yourself then using the handweights, or better yet, the thighmaster dealio.. germs exist. Oh, and so does the pungent odor of oldspice, sweat and broken dreams.

I realise that you may not be able to smell yourself, or due to your myopic state, see the sweat and gross that you are leaving being and taking with you (see: the enormous sweat stain on your ass) . But when people are gradually coming to the gym earlier and earlier to simply avoid having to use the equipment AFTER you, it may be an indication that the world is attempting to avoid the intrinsically gross nature of your salt and pepper ass hair that you insist on displaying when you stretch.

So, please. The stack of towels at the front of the gym? For you. The disinfectant located conveniently in many many places around the gym? For you. The posters with the picture of a sweaty old man that say "Clean your equipment after use".. yeah, they're directed at you. But you know what else is going to be directed at you the next time I catch you dragging your dinosaur balls along the weight bench? My tiny first of fury holding a 50 lb weight. Then I'm going to squirt dissinfectant in your eyes. Twice.

Let this be a warning. Grrr.

Ms. P.