I've just bought a bookshelf to put in my room so I don't have a leaning tower of Poe stacked on my desk anymore. Yes. More shit to add to the shit that I have in my room. J gets in tomorrow night, which means that I have until Saturday morning to both lose 10 lbs and get my house in order. So, I've left my dissasembled bookshelf in the hall and picked up the computer to escape. Ish.
I've been thinking the past few days of my choices of summer work - they've gotten progressively harder and more demanding, and slowly my off-summer work has started to do the same. And honestly, I've been contemplating the idea of pennace.
After years of dealing with depression (that I didn't know I was dealing with and didn't know was depression), leaving a boyfriend and a home and a cat, running away to India, I returned stable enough to work on my own, and took a job in the oilfield.
After I cheated on Bryan, the months that followed were sheer agony. I developed ulcers, lost copious ammounts of weight, slept all the time, cried at the drop of a hat, mentally self-flaggellated with texts on virtue etc etc. And took up tree planting this summer.
I find even in smaller circumstances, it's the harder tasks I'll take on after perceived moral lapses - as small as forgetting to pay for a coffee results in inadvertantly long workouts - ridiculous things. I thought about it tree planting.
Heaven forbid I ever kill somebody. I might get in shape and start working in a mine or something.
Just something I've been thinking about.
I've been thinking the past few days of my choices of summer work - they've gotten progressively harder and more demanding, and slowly my off-summer work has started to do the same. And honestly, I've been contemplating the idea of pennace.
After years of dealing with depression (that I didn't know I was dealing with and didn't know was depression), leaving a boyfriend and a home and a cat, running away to India, I returned stable enough to work on my own, and took a job in the oilfield.
After I cheated on Bryan, the months that followed were sheer agony. I developed ulcers, lost copious ammounts of weight, slept all the time, cried at the drop of a hat, mentally self-flaggellated with texts on virtue etc etc. And took up tree planting this summer.
I find even in smaller circumstances, it's the harder tasks I'll take on after perceived moral lapses - as small as forgetting to pay for a coffee results in inadvertantly long workouts - ridiculous things. I thought about it tree planting.
Heaven forbid I ever kill somebody. I might get in shape and start working in a mine or something.
Just something I've been thinking about.
3 comments:
You are supported, Ms. P.
I personally think you are strong enough, and smart enough, and emotionally centered enough, to work through the things you deal with.
It's a pleasure 'knowing' you. Please, do, do, keep it up.
Joel
Nice to have you back, I have enjoyed reading your blog!
We're supposed to have moral lapses when we're younger. As you age you learn to go back and pay for the coffee, apologize for the wrongs you think you did and put it all behind you in a heartbeat. If not we'd all be buff and over run with freshly planted trees! Mom xxxooo
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