Exhaling.

The smell of laundry detergent, Jagermeister, spaghetti sauce, fried mushrooms, Alito's confirmation, scissors, short hair, big sunglasses, Fiddler on the Roof, tattoos, books books books, cigarettes, laughter.... so much laughter.. squash, philosophy, short shorts, photographs, drawing, painting, singing, showering twice a day, no money, dinner parties, punk music, funny bouncers, sticky feet, Visions of Johanna, Indian food, coffee coffee coffee, late nights, early mornings, driving driving, pool, green onion cakes, swimming, dancing, talking talking.. .... 5 days of all of this.. and more... and finally breathing again.

Electile Dysfunction

It seems like upsets are the political event du jour - Hamas is now the official ruling Palestinian body, after more than 40 years of the late Yasir Arafats Fatah party. If you put in French people to play the Isrealis, and Martin to play Arafat, Harper to play Mahmoud Zahar... we could call Hull the West Bank, and you've got Canada. Fiddler on the Roof with coureurs de bois and you've got yourself a deal.

Unfortunately, this puts a political party regarded as a terrorist group by Isreal, the United States and the European union in a very volatile position. While Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas' position is left unchanged by the outcome, his relationship with Isreal has just hit the proverbial fan. Ehud Olmert, Isreals acting prime minister (remember, Sharon is still in the hospital - otherwise he'd be spinning in his grave) has cut off talks. With any portion of the government under Hamas, he refuses to entertain the idea of peace talks. I imagine it would be like shaking a hand with gangrene and attempting to deal solely with the mind of the person - eventually, the gangrene will effect the entire body - governing or not. Olmert now has to contend with a government with a gangrenous terrorist arm - a faction who's initial raison d'etre is the extraction of all Isrealis. And that's putting it delicately.

Mahmoud Zahar, the leader of Hamas - faces an interesting dilemma. While he was voted in on the basis of many promises for social change- exactly how is he to implement this change when the majority of the money coming in from Western nations... now consider him a terrorist? We don't support terrorists, correct? Even if they're democratically elected, under our encouragement for free, full, and fair elections?

I'm not really joking when it seems like drastic political change is au currant. Is this cyclical, that the stagnancy of governements demonstrated over the past years has finally come to a breaking point? We're changing out governments, left, right and center, but it appears we're doing it in extreme measures. Are there no intermediary parties, that aren't terrorists or conservatives?

I'll wait and watch. While Hamas flies their green flags and Palestinians show us their democratically blue thumbs - lets remember who helped print the ballots...and who will print the money.

Your Social Secretary Says...

Do some of this amazing stuff this week, this month, next month!!!

Now, until April 2nd - 80 Years at the Edmonton Art Gallery. Art not typically grouped together, by year of aquirement instead of artist etc - should provide an interesting visual journey.

Now, until Feb. 23rd. - Cynthia Gardiners beautiful and sad drawings, done by the hundreds after her husbands suicide, are on display in the Neither Here Nor There exhibition - also curated by Cynthia. It's on at ArtsHab Studio.

Jan. 28th - "Oldseed" (Craig Bjerring) plays the Black Dog Freehouse @ 4pm. Sweet, nomadic, semi-country, semi 70's rock.. Good music to get warm and enjoy a beer to.

Jan 27-30th - El Crimen Perfecto (The Perfect Crime) Alex de la Iglesia's awesomly stylish black comedy plays at Metro Cinema at 9pm.

Jan. 29th - Feb 2nd - The 10$ Fare for 10 Days event - Check out this awesome week, some of the best unique restaurants in Edmonton are offering their most popular dishes for 10$.

Jan. 30th - Stephen Lewis, Secretary General Special Envoy to Africa, is speaking at Myer Horowitz Theatre as part of International Week, 12-1:30 (Free!!)

Feb. 1st - Bebop Cortez kicks off The Sidetracks last 25 days.. at it's old location! Don't worry,
it's just moving to its new location on 104th St. Listen to the living room made 70's meets Hip Hop vibe. Doors at 8pm - and they have an amazing 2.50$ cover charge to celebrate their 25 years!

Feb. 2nd - Ron Jeremy, "discusses his life experiences and how he went from a special ed teacher to a porn star". City Centre Campus Cafeteria, 6:30-9:30 (5$ students, 8$ public)

Feb. 3rd - Amazing pseudo country sexy voiced Ridley Bent is playing at the PowerPlant.. Bring your cowboy hat and have a Pilsner. 10$ tickets at BlackByrd, Listen, Megatunes etc.

Feb. 10th - Joseph Sebarenzi, Head of the Rwandan Parliament, is speaking at MacEwan Haar Theatre @ 6pm (6$ students, 9$ public)

Excerpt From "A Theft" - by Saul Bellow

"You can always get a remedy, you can tap into solace when you need it, you can locate a mental fix. America is generous is this regard. The air is full of helpful hints. Ithiel was too proud to accept any handy fix. Like: "Suicide is a power move." "Suicide is punitive." "The poor kids never mean it." "It's all the drama of rescue." You could tell yourself such things; they didn't mean a damn. In all the world, now, there wasn't a civilized place left where a woman would say, "I love you with my soul." Only this backcountry girl was that way still. If no more mystical sacredness remained in the world, she hadn't been informed yet. Straight nosed Ithiel, heading for Washington and the Capitol Dome, symbolic of a nation swollen with world significance, hadn't set a greater value on Clara than on anything in this place, or any place. He thought, This is what I opted for, and this is what I deserve...I got what I had coming. "

Hold Me, and Pass Another Glass

So, it's done - we have a new Conservative gov't. My brother and some friends spent the evening together attempting to completely ignore the election and the dubious results. At least I had a wonderful evening chatting about all the improbable and frighteningly probable results of our new and shiney Prime Minister.

I'm not entirely sure how my brother keeps growing in leaps and bounds in front of my eyes. He actually had a dinner party last night, tablecloth, wine and mixed drinks included. It was incredible. He made this big dinner of teriyaki chicken (the sauce made from scratch), rice, potatoes, cream corn and salad with homemade dressing! It was.. amazing. We sat around and drank wine and ameretto sours and laughed and chatted.. The best part is, because we're all on the same floor, the walk home was short, sweet and warm.

*gulp*. Ok. So we've got a new government and a new Prime Minister. (See, I was wending my way here. I just couldn't talk about it right away.) Stephen Harper and the Progressive Conservatives. Prime Minister Stephen Harper. I'm surprised that Canadians actually went and voted in the change that they were looking for - albeit not with overwhelming certainty. We, once again, couldn't effectively and wholeheartedly put our votes behind one idea or another, so now the Liberals are really only 35 seats behind where they started yesterday morning. This is such an unstable government, it's a little frightening. We've got such a fine balance, if the BQ ever banded with the Liberals (because face it, Gilles really didn't have too many kind words for Harper) then Harper would topple like electoral Jenga blocks.

I have a feeling, despite the fact that it feels like everyone is holding their breath.. that Harper will be very careful in the next few months. Without a majority government, the radical changes that he initially wholeheartedly backed have been temporarily pocketed, and I don't think we'll hear a lot about them in the next little while. There is a sense that the clock has begun ticking for Harper, and any mention of gay marriage, abortion, or minority rights will only take time off the power clock. In this sense, I'm re-examining Paul Martin's attempt to remove the Notwithstanding Clause with Harper during the debate - maybe Martin felt his incumbant loss and was attempting to protect what he knew Harper would attack?

I think that if Harper returned with a majority government that Canada might witness more of a change than it bargained for. But right now - I have to say I feel like it was a bit of a waste of time. The balance is so fragile, does it really matter that we have somebody different in power? He's got to be so careful the next little while, will he really change anything? Or did Canada get exactly what they wanted? Just another 40 year old man who talks big, but really won't make any changes? I guess we just have to wait and see.

Tick.. tick.. tick..

Orientation by Olfactory Senses

I love walking to Laura's house - I'm sure I could actually do it blind, and be guided entirely by smells. I have to go by the Kal-Tire plant, which always smells of hot rubber and steam and sweat, and then past three or four little chinese/vietnamese restaurants that smell of steamed rice and spice and humidity...My favorite part of the walk is always going by Humo, the cigar shop - it's so wonderful. Even when it's minus 20, walking by the cigar shop makes me think of white sand and Cuba and mojitos and warmth and suntans. You have to turn right past a little Italian restaurant, where it always smells a little like burnt garlic... I dream of Cuban and Italy all along the way. Sometimes I spit I hate this weather so much.

Quote of the Day

"No matter how much mayonaise you add, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit"

- A Grandmother, about relationships.

* I think this may be the answer to "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade".

Happy Democracy Day!

So I voted. I stood in line, in the cold with Laura, bringing the median age of the voters there down by, oh, 40 years. Without all the Grant Mac students that were there, I think that everybody was around..80. But I was so proud to see all the shining and confused faces trying to figure out who was who.

I was fairly sure that I would vote Liberal, regardless of my previous rants and raves. I'm too afraid (and afraid is the word here) of Stephen Harper becoming Prime Minister Harper, and removing (as much as you can in oh so tentative Canada) minority rights and lefts. His fanatasism sort of scares me, and when they get to chanting "Harper Harper".. well, lets just say it scares me. German scares me. So I thought I'd vote Liberal to circumvent that whole scary nasty Anne Frank mess. And I got into the little polling cardboard box, and after reading the little "Fi Fie Fo Fum, McLellans a hoe and Martin's a Bum..." poem written on the table, I voted for the NDP. I wanted to place the politics game, I wanted to circumvent and prevent and vote strategically - and I couldn't. I voted for Donna Martyn, our NDP candidate. (Who, in follow up to the Liberal girls who said there are too many barriers for women in politics.. I'd like them to meet Donna. In a wheelchair, with a neurological disability that affects only her body - well, she's a woman. If she was gay and a minority she'd meet every demographic most likely NOT to get elected.. And yet, she's doing it. Humph.) I figure if I didn't vote with my conscience, then.. well, I wouldn't be much of a voter.

So good luck everyone - hope its a fair fight. Well.. its Canadian. It'll be fair. But it might not be interesting. Damn it.

Damn it, Now I'm in the Race.

All I have to say... Fuckin' Eh.

Wine 'o The Week

Wine - Mission Hill Reserve Shiraz, 2003
Cost - Approx. 25$
Availible At - Oliver Square Liquor Store (just found out that you get a 5% discount if you're a student!!)
They Say it Tastes Like - Dark, nearly black with nuances of white pepper and smoked meat on a foundation of fine frained tannins.
We Say it Tastes Like- Really full, gentle. Not extremely "hot" or alcoholic tasting, but still packs a wollop. (And that's official wine-o language.) If this wine was a woman, she'd have a pretty big butt. It seemed thicker than average, and left a lot of sediment on the glass. Tastes of currents and berries.
Best Served In - A huge wine glass, so you can put your whole face in this one.
While Listening To - Sarah Vaughn Live
Or Watching - Cops. Yup. Cops.
And Eating - Goat Cheese Salad and Spaghetti Casserole
Or Reading - The New York Times online
Label - Plain, beige and black, neat map on the back showing their proximity to Napa and Sonoma. Those Canadian wineries - always trying to prove their chops.
Cork - Cool design. With the ammount of sediment in the bottle, I though that maybe I made a removal error - but nope. Neat stamp on the cork.

Overall - A FANTASTIC wine. A little on the pricey side for a student, so I'm lucky Ian brought it over. It was amazing from the first sip to the last - thick and meaty, sweet and full - this is a great Canadian wine.

Fabulous Floria

Absurd, beautiful, frightening, strange - check out Floria Sigismondi, artistic jack of all trades.

Better..And Then Some

Spent the most luxurious day in bed, puttering around, trying to clean up, read, study. Steph dropped by later in the eve, as did Ian for a bit - so I made them a nice dinner, through Sarah Vaughn on the stereo and played hostess. I don't know what it is about feeding people, about taking care of them, putting out napkins and good home made food, sitting down to laugh and drink.. but it makes me happy. I love watching people eat good food that I've made, watch them smile and laugh and drink. I think I was born to be a hostess. Or a mother. *laugh*

We drank a few bottles of wine, and I spent most of today recouperating in bed this morning, contemplating exactly how my house gets so messy overnight while I'm asleep. I had this amazing beautiful moment eating a bagel and coffee and watching "Men with Brooms" where I felt, for the first time in a while.. happy. Honestly, perfectly, happy. My headache had dissapeared, there was sun coming in the window, I was warm and comfortable and.. happy. I'm not going to question it. It was just nice.

Spent the afternoon with Laura, flipping through art texts and listening to music and laughing and talking. Alejandro made Shake n' Bake for dinner, and they had like, 3 different kinds of mustards - ritzy folk- so I was happy. I always leave there feeling so creative and inspired and loved. We traded some music for a Saul Bellow book and just had a lovely time. So inspiring that I came home, and used the inspiration to do my laundry, organize my books and homework, and even made a lunch to take to school tomorrow.

Here's to Mondays - they're always so full of possibilities.

Oh What a Night

A really amazing night/day yesterday. I had a fantastic day in classes, out of classes - it was just one of those days. My philosophy classes were both absolutely stunning - they actually make my brain expand, I'm sure of it. I had a good lunch with Alex and Jocelyn, lamenting over the cold and snow (even though it was only -10...) and planning an escape to Mexico to live out the rest of our days on a beach, reading trashy novels and philosophy texts.

Went to the Philosophy cafe where Amanda was presenting her topic, Gender Polarization. It was a difficult night in that a good majority of the night was spent trying to adequetly define and examine the question from a philosophical standpoint, instead of a sociological one. The best conversations were had post - cafe, we we all sat around chatting un-mediated. There are some truly brilliant minds there, it's such a pleasure to hear them speak.

Saw my friend Jessica, I only ever really see her in passing or at the Cafe, so it was nice to sit and chat and catch up. She's such a smart, interesting girl, we really hit it off. We had a lot of the same opinions about what was being said, so it was nice to be able to look at somebody and see them roll their eyes when you feel like it! We left from there to the Starlite Room to see her friends band play with a bunch of people from school and the Phil. Cafe. (She just called to say what a good time she had!! So cool!!!!) We had a blast dancing and drinking and just relaxing. They're such a cool group of friends, and it was such a pleasure to spend time with them. Jessica and I are going out for coffee later this week.. it'll be so nice to chat with her again. Yay!

Looking forward to relaxing today, spending some time with Ian and Steph. What a lovely week I've had.

Why I Won't Be Voting Liberal

Scene: All candidates meeting at Grant MacEwan Dorm - Liberal, NDP, Conservative, Green Party, and Marxist Leninist parties are all in attendance. Many students milling about getting handshakes and buttons from various candidate, or saluted by the pimply 18 year old ML candidate.

Enter 2 short brunettes, Andrea and Stephanie, looking to talk issues. They wander over to the Liberal table, where there are two young-ish, grumpy looking young women sit, alone.

Andrea: Hey!
Girl 1- Hey. Vote for Anne McCllelan. She's a woman too.
Andrea - Wow, that makes me want to vote for her less, now that you've said that.
Girl 1 - What??!! Why would you say that!
Andrea - How does her sex have anything to do with whether or not she's a good politician? Does she not run on anything other than the fact she's a woman? Or do you assume that I'm not interested in any other issues? (confused)
Girl 1 - You know, 52% of the population is women, and only 17 percent of those in Parliament are women. You should vote for a woman to even that out. (getting angry)
Andrea - I think that perhaps we have reached a homeostasis - the number of women in parliament is the number of women there are supposed to be in parliament.
Girl 2 - They don't make enough money to go into politics. We need to change that.
Andrea - And when you do, perhaps that number in parliament will change. But you're attempting to change things from the top up, when it needs to go the other way. For the society we're in, the correct number of women are in parliament.
Girl 1 - You would say that. You're like, what? 20? I was only making a joke. God. Vote Liberal.

A Friggin' Flaming Olive Branch

So there's another Bin Laden tape out, authenticated and verified and broadcast worldwide. Same-o same-o content. Pull out your troops, we will attack.. And then, what's this? An olive branch? If you pull out all your troops, we won't attack? Well, somebody peed all over that olive branch and lit it on fire. And God knows that Americans don't want pee on their hands.

Chocolate Steak. 'Nuff Said.

Ian took me out to a beautiful dinner on Thursday night, I had such a fantastic time. We went off to Culina, which is always such a treat. I've never actually gone there NOT on a Sunday for family night, so I got to choose my own meal. *laughing* I had the steak with dirty mashed potatoes and milk chocolate and blue cheese.. Oh my god it was phenomenal. You all know I'm not a big red meat fan (other than raw beef.. uh.. right...) But this was something else. It was delish. Needless to say I got my fill of red meat for the next year - but it was totally worth it!

Dinners with Ian are always so great. He's such a good dinner partner, he knows the silence of people eating good food, and that smile you share when you're having one of those ethereal good taste moments. He's my favorite dinner partner, be it at McDonalds or Culina. *smile* Thanks for the lovely dinner Ian - it was a lovely time.

Good Food with A Good Friend (and did I mention I'm now a Brunette?)

Plato, Hamlet, Tea and Cookies

I had a really lovely day, totally relaxed and easy and.. nice. I was making dinner just as Steph came home, so I had her over to eat and chat and relax after school. She's been working on a Hamlet essay the past few days with a Plato twist, and I've been working through "The Meno" so we were basically on the same track. So I made us numerous pots of Mandarin Spice tea and we worked for a few hours together. It was really nice to have somebody in the house, we both agreed. Even though we live in dorms, with hundreds of people upstairs and down.. you get lonely! So I worked on my stuff and helped her with her essay, and we just.. relaxed. It was so nice. Just.. Nice. *sigh*

Quote of the Day

"If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. "

-Descarte

Tennesse Williams.. in Japanese.

Despite my rabid dislike of Tennesse Williams, I agreed (with much enthusiasm - I'll take Williams over Tuesday night television anyday) to go and see Glass Menagerie with Laura and Alejandro and Matt. Perhaps the Greek Gods of theatre heard my internal moans and groans because the production was sold out to what appeared to be a group of English as a second language Japanese students.

So instead, being wild, crazy, and a little bit jacked up on the fact that we were neither wild nor crazy, we decided perhaps five pin bowling was the answer. We struck out, however, in that it was league night, which was evident from the moment we walked in by the number of fingerless gloves and women in matching track suits.

From there we went to Martini's for a beer and a little bit of discussion regarding pedagogy and the lack of imagination inherent within, and some popcorn. Landing on the subject of vegetarians and meat and all things edible, we decided to go for sushi on the South side at Wasabi.

We capped our night off with an orgasmic meal of beef tataki and a million pieces of tuna and salmon and what not, and had the restaurant entirely to ourselves. All the Japanese people in town were at The Glass Menagerie.

We live in circles I tell you, infinate and strange circles.

Hm. Let's Hope It's Hurricane Resistant, Ray

A chocolate New Orleans? Seriously. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin claimed they would "build a better New Orleans. It was a chocolate New Orleans before, and it will be again. I don't care where you're from, uptown or whatever. New Orleans will be chocolate."

And his follow up? "Do you know how to make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, and you mix it with white milk, and you get a great.. chocolate.. drink."

Forget Hurricanes. Mardi Gras has a new official drink. The New Orleans Chocolate Drink. All the racial tension of the 9th Ward at a French Quarter barbeque in one tumbler. Drink up Ray!

Can You Freeze or Flush Krispy Kremes?

So my beautiful friend Stephanie knows my penchant for Krispy Kremes, and brings my sad ass back a dozen from Calgary to mend my broken heart and stop my lettuce eating streak. With the fuel and fury of a couple Krispy Kremes in my system I managed to get to the grocery store and back without belaboring my situation to the poor senior citizen grocery bagger, and made a real meal for my brother and I to eat, Monday being our night to get together for dinner.

Unfortunately, after a relatively upsetting phone conversation I was relegated back to bed to wallow in self pity and what was left of the hawaiian burgers. I know that I'm hitting something akin to rock bottom when I'm now removing the wine corks with my teeth, entirely bypassing using a glass, or plates, as I settle the pot of burgers and rice in my lap to watch yet another "It ain't my baby" session of Maury. Somehow, it always makes me feel better watching Maury or Jerry or something like that. I figure, at least I have my teeth. That's gotta be a plus, right?

So considering I've now inhaled an entire 6 man serving of hawaiian burgers with the efficiency of a ShopVac, I thought it might be prudent to tuck away what was left of the box of Krispy Kremes into the freezer. I'm not sure if one should freeze Krispy Kremes. But I thought it was a good idea considering..well, I had a good few short of a dozen left, and was quickly getting a Kremey doughnut hang over. (That I was considering just looping doughnuts around the wine bottle neck for easy access after a swig was also an indication that they had to go.) I'm sure my neighbor also appreciated it as about every 15 minutes or so my microwave would turn on for 10 seconds at a time to heat up another doughnut. It's not a quiet microwave. I think it probably sounded like I was trying to cook a turkey in 10 second intervals.

Like a junkie.. I grab one last doughnut. In my midnight nudity, I also need to pee. Ah. The dilemma. So I stuff the burning hot doughnut in my mouth, hoping that I can pee quickly enough not to scorch myself, which I couldn't, and had a burning hot Krispy Kreme hitting my thighs and crotch and smearing friggin' liquid fire sugar all over my hoohah, and landing in the toilet.

At which point I stop peeing and screaming, and think, "Ten second rule."

I scrape all the sugar off, without any added hair removal benefits, and contemplate the morality of flushing a Krispy Kreme down the toilet, and decide to leave it over night, during the course of which it expands to the size of an angelfood cake. Which I have to confront this morning like a bunch of empty bottles. A big friggin' heartbreak hang over.

But hey, you can flush them.

Quote of the Day

"It wasn't bum sex. It was pretty half assed."

S.C.

Quote of the Day

"My hopes were raised and dashed in a matter of seconds. I have hope-lash"

-Dale, King of the Hill

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Wine o' the Week

Wine - Reserva 2001 Doura (Portugal)

Cost - approx. 15$
Availible at - Oliver Square Liquor Shop (they're really nice and very knowledgeable here)
They say it tastes like - Raspberries, plums, cinnamon, chocolate, sage, and..uh..asphalt.

What the average tongue can taste - Plums PLUMS and more plums, aftertaste of almonds..And no driveway..
Best Served in - A teacup
While Listening to - CocoRosie
Or Watching - BattleStar Gallactica
And Eating - Rice Crispies in soy milk with brown sugar.
Or Reading - Canadian Social Problems textbook
Label- Lots of Italics and a tiny chateau lithograph - ugly.
Cork - Broke! No neat design, no angels face - but hey, it wasn't a twist off, it wasn't plastic, and it didn't come in a can.

Overall - I liked it. A nice, smooth wine, not harsh (my number one dislike), but still packed a punch. I only got through a glass before all of Canada's Social problems appeared rectifiable with wine and rice crispys. A good bottle to share.

For My Curiosity..

Who is Bethesda is reading my blog?

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Like You Don't Know Enough About Me...

Ah.. Ian seems to think you need to know more about me. Check him out on his site.

Four jobs you've had in your life -
Waitress, Gap Employee, Canadian Embassy Security (oooo.. sounds better than it was)
Ice cream girl

Four movies you could watch over and over -
Amelie, Evolution, Chocolat, Breakfast at Tiffany's

Four Places you've lived -
England, India, Edmonton, Ottawa

Four TV shows you love to watch -
Law & Order, CSI, Anderson Cooper 36o, The Daily Show

Four places you've been on vacation -
Sri Lanka, Thailand, Burma, Saskatchewan

Four websites you visit daily -
NY Times Online, VegWeb, All Music Guide, and probably.. well.. Superpages. I don't have a phonebook.

Four of your favorite foods -
Beef Tataki, My goat cheese salad, my mom's ceasar salad, Krispy Kreme doughnuts. (which, they now have in Calgary, and Steph will smuggle for me. oooo.. Krispy Kreme)

Four places you'd rather be -
France, Burma, Vancouver, India

Four albums you can't live without -
Phrenology (The Roots), The Richest Man in Babylon (Thievery Corporation) Our Endless Numbered Days (Iron and Wine) Sarah Vaughn (Sarah Vaughn)

So exciting hey? There's gotta be better questions than THAT. ;-) Hmm.. Capt'n, you're it. Lets see what you REALLY have to say. *chuckle*

A Simple Pleasure

I find that when I read Anais Nin.. I think she might be in my brain. Everytime I pick up one of her books, it seems like she's in my brain, splashing around in my soul - and writing me a book. Every line I read seems written just for me. I'm reading "Under a Glass Bell" - this tiny, purse sized book of short stories (which, I suppose, doesn't mean much given the size of my purses) is beautiful and surreal, meandreing and odd - and perfect. It's a change of pace from "Delta of Venus" (definate change) but in a lovely way. It makes me wish I could paint her words all over.. bedsheets or something.

A Beauty of a Novel

Managed to read a book over Christmas break.. Yay! Finished Zadie Smiths' third novel, and in my opinion, best novel - "On Beauty". Perhaps the subject matter was just too close to my heart at the time, but I found it to be a sad and beautifully written novel. The charachters were so real, the dialogue was like listening to friends chatting. As always, it twisted at the end to make everything and everyone come together - and the last lines were so hopeful and sweet that I'll read the last chapter many times over. I'd recommend it to anyone - it's such a cliche, but I laughed, I cried.. and I'll read it again.

Questions and Answers

Q. I was random blogging and landed on your site...you seemed so happy with Bryan. You said it was your fault, but you sound like a nice person that I am curious to know what you could have done that was so bad.

A. Thank you! I am a nice person. *smile* I'm not sure how to answer your question.. or really, while I feel compelled to answer at all, considering I have no idea who you are, and how to answer it to afford everyone their privacy.

I am happy with Bryan - despite the fact that we no longer communicate, I still think of him, and love him, and miss him every moment of every day. I refuse to give up hope (or as our joke runs, 'ignorance') that we will one day be together again. I know that sounds creepy and strange, but if I were to say anything else, I'd be lying.

I did make a mistake, one that I'm not proud of, and frankly, will not disclose here. But, rest assured that in Bryan's eyes it was severe enough to leave our relationship - and as those break-up guru's say, no matter what you have in common, if one of you doesn't believe in being with the other - you're missing a really important part. That's something that I think I'm coming to terms with now. I want to be with Bryan, but if he doesn't want to be with me, whatever his reasons - then I have to accept that, and there really isn't anything I can do but hope that eventually, somehow, things will work out. Until then.. I just have to keep moving onwards and upwards, with my life, my heart, and my soul.

Africa's Primary Export...Isn't Jews

But appears to be sociology teachers. All three of my socio teachers (all different teachers) are from the southern part of the African continent. When pointing this out to a friend, she remarked how all of her history teachers happen to be Polish. I think a study should be done.

Went to "Munich" tonight with Ian, trying to take my mind off.. well, everything, and the fact that Bryan was supposed to be here today. It was amazing. Ian and I walked home in the lovely snow talking all about it. I wished I was Jewish. Except, you know, for the wandering part.

The movie recounts the kidnapping and execution of Isreali athletes at the 1976 Olympics, and the subsequent assasination of those who supposedly arranged it - by the Isreali government...ish. Among the bloodshed (none of which I found to be too gratuitious, minus one event involving a bomb and a ceiling fan) there were actually some interesting arguements made for the idea of "home" and belonging and such. It was quite entertaining, though a bit long - 2 1/2 hours. Enjoyed it thouroughly - and the Garneau has great peach drink. *smile*

Mazal ' tov.

Dream Date

For the past couple nights I've been meeting Bryan in my dreams. We sit, and talk, and laugh, sometimes we fix things, sometimes we don't. But I wake up feeling refreshed and a little better, having said all the things I want to say to him...even if he can't hear them. Some part of me hopes he's having these dreams too.

Laura and I ended up having the same Philosophy class together with Beach, my favourite teacher - so I see her 3 times a week now. We met up after classes in the afternoon and she took me out for Vietnamese food. We sat and talked forever..it was so nice. I forgot how nice it is to have friends - I'm so lucky that they don't forget me. She had things to say that only another woman would have the insight and bravery to say, and made me feel so much better. After, we went back to her house and watched Sideways and swapped music. She let me feel her baby kick..it was so fantastic! I can't believe that this little thing in her, that I've held in such an abstract context, in terms of BabyGap outfits and strollers.. actually reached out and touched me. I envy her, in so many ways.

Second day of classes - only Sociology today. No professor listed for this course - I'm hoping it's Boadu - he made my Sociology experience last term. Hope all is well with everyone. Talk soon.

ps -Listening to the news.. Scary results on "Who's voting for who". Those most likely to vote Fascist.. I mean... Conservative? The least educated, and old men with lots of money. Yeeps.

Not Stirup Pants, and a Thank-You

It's funny how we revert to those we know in crisis - those who know how we cry, who know what we eat (and don't!) when we're sad, who know what wine to buy and what exactly we shouldn't wear when our eyes are all puffy and our lips all chapped.

And strangely - that we reach out to others. Sabrina, a friend from my Poli Sci class this year, showed up at my door with flowers and tea and munchies and the ultimate break-up book and movie. She sat and drank tea with me until her obligation as a friend had long since vanished and she was firmly situated in my mind as another sister. Anyone who can withstand me "death row silence" as Ian says.. well.. they're pretty good friends by my count. She councelled me on the right time and place if and when the need should arise to get a break-up tattoo, what to do with my hair for a change, and I even managed to put on makeup and real pants for a bit. It was.. Nice. More than nice. Thanks Sabrina. You may have singlehandedly stopped the slide from redwine and chocolate to icecream and stirup pants.

Ian, who braved the airport to come and get me and my sad sobbing self (I'm sure the rest of the people waiting thought I had bird flu or something - despite the fact that in my despair I looked fairly ok and un-avian)... This is far from over, but thank you. For letting me lush about in man pjamas and drink, make addresses to the nation like I'm Churchill and cry and not eat and watch 24 odd hours of BattleStar Gallactica - you're a better friend than I deserve. That you can sit there and take it when I burst into tears with only one eye of mascara half on and still tell me I'm beautiful and worthy and smart... you are a better man than most I know. That your fantastic girlfriend Carlynn is so understanding and gives me hugs that compliment yours...you both make me smile, and give me hope.

Craig.. when you come in the middle of the night at the drop of the reciever to drive me about the city and talk about anything BUT my break-up. Well. I noticed that your hands get bigger and cover mine better the more my heart is broken. I know that I'm not the best friend to you, that I'm out of contact and out of the universe 9 times out of 10.. but for the times you drive into my universe at 12:30 in the morning to take me away.. I love you for it.

And there are those who tell you they too did the same thing, they too heard the same words from somebody they loved.. and how much they understand what you're saying and feeling. And of course, it came from a friend I should never have expected anything less from. When will women learn to talk to eatch other, to understand that we all have that same experiences and same fears and same irrational actions... Well, I suppose that will happen when we start listening to our parents. You know who you are friend... And I'll love you forever.

I'm doing ok - I will be doing ok, and I still cry in the shower. I'm sad.. but I'm standing, and I'm learning. And really.. what more can you really ask for?

Hmm.. I'm a Little TOO Good at This...

So I'm actually really good at being like, break-up girl. I've already become really accustomed to not eating, not wearing real pants and watching a hell of a lot of mid-day sci-fi. Thank god school starts next week, or I'd be past the not eating and into the ice cream. Yeeps I tell you.

Went to see Pharoahs for their amazing "Popeye" pizza then on to "Capote" at the Garneau the other night. My advice? Eat the pizza, skip the movie. I wasn't ever (and maybe I'm just oblivious) under the impression that Truman Capote was EVER really flaming gay - given the content of Breakfast at Tiffany's I really wasn't too sure - but this movie removed a lot of doubt in my mind. My qualms lay in his voice. Now I'm sure there are recordings of his voice, and Philip Seymour Hoffman must have done a great job of interpreting them.. because other wise I have NO idea why on earth he would have used such a nasal, incomprehensible voice. It was torture. To tell the truth - I fell asleep on Ian's shoulder (and he on my head) for about 15 minutes. The Oscar buzz.. I'm frightened.

Sad News Sad Days

Some sad news, Bryan and I have gone our seperate ways. The holiday was amazing, though ending abruptly. I wish I could say it wasn't my fault (because isn't that so much easier?) but I can't. But it doesn't hurt any less.. how is that fair?

Atlanta was FANTASTIC. The Sugarbowl was really neat - I've never seen anything quite like it. And they (they being Americans...) ACTUALLY 'tailgate'. Like, barbeque out the back of their trucks and drink beer and .. it's insanity. I thought it was something that was just in the movies.. not anything real! *laugh* We were there with Bryan's friends, Tony and Jaye, and Kristy and Ken - and had a blast. We really did - I hate that in ending a relationship you also give up all the friends that go with them.

So I'm back in Edmonton. Ian's been taking care of me - he's grown accustomed to me standing in the middle of a room crying - and I'll be back in the dorm in a bit. Talk to you all soon.