Watching: Somebody moving out of, or deeper into, the ghetto out my window.Listening: Broken Social Scene Presents: Kevin Drew "Big Love"
Drinking: Water
Wearing: Workout pants, J's Vanguard zip up, flip flops
Thinking: This week has got to be better.
This week.. it's got to be better right? I mean, it can't be worse. Knock on wood.
Jared and I spent the rest of the weekend sleeping. Literally. We woke up at 2 on Sunday and went for breakfast at 4. Came home, and fell asleep until 8. Our sleep schedules are so messed up, but it feels so good to nap. *smile*
I realized that every time I do one of those ridiculous " what makes you happy" exercises.. I find that I don't ACTUALLY do any of the things that make me happy. I've had the overwhelming sensation lately of floundering, that I'm not ever moving forward, but that I'm just getting enough done to keep my head above water. Is that what life is? Constantly just fighting to have time to think about doing the things that you love to do? Not even actually doing them? I look at the things that I want to accomplish, where I wanted to be.. what I thought I'd be doing now, even a year ago. I thought that by NOW I would have time, NOW I would do the things I love and have them balanced with the things that I have to do. And I'm no closer to that than I was a year ago. Who says I'll be any closer next year?
Jared has this idea that once school is done, I'll be doing "what I really love" - as far as I can tell, this IS what I really love. I had that horrible, "Is this it?" moment last night. That a year from now, I'll just be in a different house, ten years from now I'll just have different stuff piled around me, and Jared will believe I'm doing "what I really love". It's not that I fault him.. He has a different view of what life is. He's got this stunning ability to believe that life really is about doing what makes you happy, that your choices should be based on what gives you pleasure, what makes you love, what makes you smile. And he's dating the girl that believes that on lifes list of priorities, or meaning.. that being happy is pretty far down. As a result I ended up crying my eyes out while he looked very bewildered and lovingly at me. How do I know? How do I know if this is what makes me happy? How do I know that in ten years I won't be crying in a different house, as lost as I am now, as my boyfriend pursues happiness and I look longingly after that, and him?
Perhaps I should nap more.
Jared and I spent the rest of the weekend sleeping. Literally. We woke up at 2 on Sunday and went for breakfast at 4. Came home, and fell asleep until 8. Our sleep schedules are so messed up, but it feels so good to nap. *smile*
I realized that every time I do one of those ridiculous " what makes you happy" exercises.. I find that I don't ACTUALLY do any of the things that make me happy. I've had the overwhelming sensation lately of floundering, that I'm not ever moving forward, but that I'm just getting enough done to keep my head above water. Is that what life is? Constantly just fighting to have time to think about doing the things that you love to do? Not even actually doing them? I look at the things that I want to accomplish, where I wanted to be.. what I thought I'd be doing now, even a year ago. I thought that by NOW I would have time, NOW I would do the things I love and have them balanced with the things that I have to do. And I'm no closer to that than I was a year ago. Who says I'll be any closer next year?
Jared has this idea that once school is done, I'll be doing "what I really love" - as far as I can tell, this IS what I really love. I had that horrible, "Is this it?" moment last night. That a year from now, I'll just be in a different house, ten years from now I'll just have different stuff piled around me, and Jared will believe I'm doing "what I really love". It's not that I fault him.. He has a different view of what life is. He's got this stunning ability to believe that life really is about doing what makes you happy, that your choices should be based on what gives you pleasure, what makes you love, what makes you smile. And he's dating the girl that believes that on lifes list of priorities, or meaning.. that being happy is pretty far down. As a result I ended up crying my eyes out while he looked very bewildered and lovingly at me. How do I know? How do I know if this is what makes me happy? How do I know that in ten years I won't be crying in a different house, as lost as I am now, as my boyfriend pursues happiness and I look longingly after that, and him?
Perhaps I should nap more.
No comments:
Post a Comment